Garrison Keillor once said every man needs someone to nag him.
It turns out you just need to buy an Apple Watch.
When I received a new phone a couple of weeks ago I got a deal on an Apple Watch and was told it would be like having a secretary strapped to my wrist. I think that's inappropriate nowadays.
The salesman also said I would be able to count my daily steps. Which I could already on two hands.
And it would help me with creating and improving a daily health routine.
After charging it, I enjoyed the first admonishment "stand."
Well, I can do that. I stood up and the watch congratulated me. "You're on your way to achieving your goals." That felt nice, although I didn't correct the phone that my goal is to win Powerball.
A couple of hours later, the phone said, "Breathe." Well, hell. I do that all day long. I can breathe, cough, expectorate -- you name it.
Then in another two hours, I was asked to stand once again. I did and magically completed one ring of daily health -- even though I was exhausted by the end of the day.
The next day I was busier but complied, even though I wondered whatever happened to recovery time.
The same pattern continued until I received a new order: walk. But I'm the king of standing. Were standing in the Olympics, I would be there. Fine -- but I don't enjoy a task master.
"What's for lunch?" the phone asked. I typed in "hot dog." The phone asked about vegetables and I answered "sauerkraut and onions."
"Does not compute."
We were starting to fight.
My caloric intake number went up one day like the national debt clock.
"Unhealthy level," the phone said. I, for the record, felt fine. And no one at West's Dairy complained.
"Passersby can hear your heart beating," the phone told me one day. Maybe I was in love. How does she know?
"Ever hear of broccoli?" the phone asked.
Yes, Albert Broccoli produced most of the James Bond movies.
"You ordered another drink?"
Yes, that's how one gets another drink.
"When you floss, do you find entire, unchewed Li'l Smokies?"
"You can't have sausage links for breakfast, a hot dog for lunch and kielbasa for dinner."
"Let's go back to the beginning. Stand."
I am. I am standing here waiting for my Bomb Dog.
"You have really let yourself go."
Are we married?
As the phone started to say, "Listen, we need to have a serious talk ..." I gently removed it from my wrist.
Now I plan on getting a tattoo on my wrist with the hands permanently at 5 p.m.
It's always five o'clock somewhere.
Peace and more peace unto you my brothers and sisters.